Jesus, I'm noticing I said I was going to get into this back in February, and look at how little I have to show for it. I've graduated, I've got all the time in the world, and I hardly draw or sketch anymore. That, Iunno, inspiration's not really there anymore. I wanna keep drawing, and I wanna get better, but it feels like there are so many different directions to go toward from here, it's overwhelming. I still want to refine my technique, but, meh.

Just meh right now. Everything, meh.

I mean, shit, life's good and whatever. I can't really complain, I just feel like I've fallen into this lethargy when it comes to trying to draw.

I could partially blame World of Warcraft, and getting sucked into its raiding game. I could partially blame the absences of friendships, or the deterioration of previous ones that used to instill in me that desire to draw.

I kinda just want to talk. I guess I can start that here now.

So, ok, it's getting kind of boring staying home all of the time, just working at the movie theatre and blah blah. I can't figure out what I want to do, where I want to go from here (could explain why I can't even decide how I want to draw anymore). I could try and seek a promotion at that theatre job, but I'm almost certain I've gotten on the wrong side of my managers there and they wouldn't take my request for it seriously. Besides, even if I went for it, and got it, that's pretty much anchoring me to a shit job that I don't really like, dealing with idiot customers that I really hate, for a wage that really sucks. I want to be a shift manager because they're the ones in the projection room. I've been up there a few times, it's fucking -quiet-. It's a sanctuary. Gawd.

I got a girlfriend a little bit after the summer ended. She went off to college but we kept it together, but, really, she started to grate on every sensitive nerve I had. She put out. A lot. But, I swear, after I fuck a girl, I hate them, and I don't know why. I've rationalized it, though. Were they missing something I desired from another? Were they just not that other person in the back of my mind that I know I'd rather be with? That just leads into wondering if the it's even possible to be with those who I want to be with, which in turn goes to envying the men with the women I desire. Fuck, really. I hate relationships.

But, yeah, drawing. First thing I want to do, really, again, is refining that damn technique. Some of my favorite artists make such clean sketches, it drives me crazy trying to figure out how they do that. I've asked some, but I just get 'Takes practice.' a lot. I mean, yeah, I know that, but I'm trying to figure out the steps of it, though, to get an idea. I understand art takes fucking practice.

I remember back when I rationalized that I'd be up to the calibre of the people I envied if I kept at it. I'd be there in a couple of years too, right? Meh. Nearly a year without doing to much in the way of that. Shit, maybe all it really takes is dedicating myself to this community. Fuck.

Man, Iunno. There are people I want to reconnect with, in ways I used to know them, in ways it felt exclusive, and there are so many things I want to do, but can't decide exactly. It's, it's like I know what I want, but I just can't pinpoint it. My heart knows, my head doesn't? Eh, something like that.

That's all for now.